Lactose Intolerant Cows

Photo by Jakob Cotton on Unsplash‍ ‍

Can cows be lactose intolerant? This is the question that has plagued me for the past few days. Each year, around this time, I wake up covered in hives. Originally we thought it was chiggers or mosquitos, but unless those bugs have a photographic memory and hunt me down each year, even after moving away from home, I don’t think that’s the case. Nay, it is something worse. I can now conclude that I — a Southern Belle born and bred — am allergic to the heat.

You read that right.

That’s the only plausible explanation. I am a lactose intolerant cow. I am a hummingbird who is allergic to sugar water. I am a butterfly who gets seasonal allergies. I didn’t think it was possible, but here we are.

The most infuriating part is that I generally do fine in the heat. Do I love getting into a car and immediately having the backs of my legs get seared like a steak on a grill? Not particularly. But will I act like 120 degree summer day is chilly the minute a Yankee starts to gripe about their 80 degree summers? One thousand percent. I am better than them and I know it. (I can say this because I’ve spent a summer up north. I know my stuff). I can deal with heat. It’s one of the things that you just grow accustomed to. A Southern summer without heat is like brisket without barbeque sauce. It’s fine but you know something is missing. All of that to say that while I don’t like the heat, I am certainly used to it.

The worst part of these hives is that it makes me look like a transplant. The minute it gets above 90 degrees my body abandons all sense and breaks out in hives. (Because that’s a practical defense mechanism.) It leaves me feeling like I need to defend my southern-ness. Is anyone questioning my heritage? No. But there’s a primal urge to make sure everyone knows I’m not a Californian. I am simply a southerner with a slight disposition against heat.

At the beginning of this entry, I asked if cows can be lactose intolerant. After many minutes of research, I have found out the answer is yes. That makes me feel a little bit better about being a southerner who is allergic to heat.

-The Cowgirl (and all her fellow lactose intolerant cows.)